Between the Moments | Shadow Work

 

Personal Journal Entry (Shadow Work)

I end up floating between a desire and a reality

Seemingly unsure about the truth 

Mental or physical it effects me

Spiritually it almost drains me in her presence

I could throw it up to my expectations, letting myself down

However I feel that I LISTEN

I feel that I'm always that Ear

I don't say much sometimes but my thoughts and feelings flood

Why I feel like I can't open my mouth may be my own doing

But I sometimes feel if I do I am then viewed as I'm in the incorrect mood for the current state

I ask questions and figure out the minds of others... But really I wonder if others take note of mine to REMEMBER

Remember ME

What I like, what I've desired

It could be physical, but even with that my mind plays the scenario out DURING the act... Did it FEEL genuine or generic

Does it seem like the woman really paid attention to what I'll clearly ask/asked for

Or was it a brush off and plan for later - or just a MAYBE into a Zzz

I can't help I'm as intimate as I am

I can't help that I'm as physical as I am

I don't let my current state of upgrading and evolving my life effect my mind on wanting what I want in sexual connection

There's always time to REFINE ourselves

But the moments we have NOW, count towards growth and connection

But, could I even say that and NOT get looked at as a fiend?

Though the look may not come through... The energy of judgement rises

And that alone can lead to a declining energy in self

The act of being selfishly selfless, by being willing to just .. FEEL IT OUT is all that's wanted

Even what I read says the compromise THERE could be freeing

But the fact that I've brought it up and it seems to fall on deaf ears 

Or

The desire or act of trying is just not available for whatever reason she comes up with

I honestly feel like distancing myself for awhile...

I feel like balancing time work and intimacy has left me dry on my end

While she rests, laughs, enjoys her shows, discusses her favorite topics, and may lay on my chest or allow me to hold her

That's it though

Don't dare try to do too much or reach too far

That's when I get my hands moved, or a turn away

It's hard not to feel that rejected sense

I don't believe she gets that

And I don't want to be tit for tat.... But how else do you have someone feel what you feel if saying in words just doesn't work

I just want to connect

Why does it feel so hard right now

Why can't we just live in the moments

Why do I have to feel like I'm scheduling everything in my life, even down to figuring out and compromising my intimate things

Why is it deemed weak for a man to ask these questions

To desire a bit of flow in the relationship FOR HIS SAKE

Me, being a different kind of man

Am always willing to flow with my woman and her wants/needs

Where is my reciprocation to "see where it goes" 

I'm figuring out that maybe my eagerness to learn someone else so they can feel secure, ends up leaving me with a void of not knowing if that person will make me feel secure in the way that I deserve. And in many cases, that dynamic is due to me allowing myself to pour questions into the other person and receiving feedback one-way. The other person (usually without either of us recognizing) continue to go forward with me having a massive storage of info on them with THEM only learning me as we go, because they don't ask me questions about myself or personal experiences... Unless the question and knowledge is reciprocated due to a "how about you?" which stemmed from a conversation/questions I INITIATED. 

I wonder if I should be upset at myself for not noticing this dynamic... Not noticing that I may be unsure where I sit at with the other mentally, because there may be pieces of myself they didn't dig into since I'm the only one asking those deeper questions. Idk... Or maybe I do, and I've already defined the issue... I'm just trying to apply it and correct it.